I know that most people in the world have done something dangerous, and reckless as this. And I was one of those people, a part of it. I know what it feels like. The pain. The sorrow. The guilt. The regret. The agony. The self-blame. The fear. The torturous silent cries. Anyone can do it by something thats hurt them deeply and of what they went through, and they can't express it in a another way, because they have no right to speak about what bothers them, and can't do anything about it, but live with it. Maybe they do speak about it, but no one does anything about it to help them. Out of all my family and I have been through, and being the oldest one out of my siblings, I was the only one who had it hard on herself.
Life was going perfectly for seven years of my life as a kid. I was always smiling, happy, playing, getting spoiled like a kid should. I had nothing to worry about. I didn't understand about anything in life except toys, and barbie dolls (lol). And I wish it could have stayed that way. Now growing up, there's so much negativity in the world, we usually forget about the positivity in it.....No, we have to make it positive as hard as we can, because it's easy to get negative. And also growing up, it makes you actually think and understand of what you've gone through. And it literally tears you apart. It all started right after I turned the age of 8. My siblings and I had one of the worst childhoods, even the worst teenage years of every existing abuse (beating, neglect, verbal), and being controlled, and not being able to do what you love most, or even do what you want to do in your own home freely for 8 long, torturous years. My parents were divorced right after I was 12, and we had a stepmom for awhile. We had no rights. I wish I can share to you my life-long story, but I don't want anyone to imagine or even be sad over what I went through. I don't want to hurt you.
Cutting is a life-long addiction, and can cause and bring negative emotions. It took me 6 long years (starting at 13. Stopped at 18) to stop it (self-harm, constant suicide thoughts, depression). Most of the time I used to look at my arm and smile that I actually do this to myself. Because it was my only friend that healed me for awhile. It understood that I needed it so badly to take away the pain (since there was barely anyone to help me stop it). My writing also made me get out of reality. I wrote poetry (mostly self-harm) and stories. And till this day I do. I read to get out of reality too. To live in the fantasy world because I hated reality. I hated humanity. Sometimes, till this day, I still hate humanity. But I live with everything now, and make it a better living. Sometimes there were days where I'd look at my arm, and ask myself, "What have I done? What am I doing to myself?", and cry. Just look at it and cry. Because I was hurting myself, and the old, aging marks wouldn't go away. I couldn't stop that easily.
Having a blade as your best friend is torturing. It healed me. And actually kept me living. But it's not the way, because it could have killed me. There were days where I felt like I started having problems with myself, like not knowing how to breathe, being paralyzed/catatonic, and my arm not functioning right. Now all of that stopped since it's in the past, and it's already been 7 months the last time I did it. I'm pretty proud of myself, and I feel good about it too. Its the longest time I ever stopped. The longest I ever did stop was up to two-three months (and still having a blade hidden somewhere), and that only happened like twice in my life. I have never felt happy to where I am now. And the fact that I held on to hope for so long (and having Faith by my side), look where I am now. A writer. An enthusiast. A happy person (even though I am a dark person who's into dark stuff. lol). A supporter. And the best thing about it, more confident, and stronger. Nothing can put me down now, and if anything were to, well, I'm ready for it to come face me. I'll kick it's ass, and throw it right back in it's face. ;D.
I believe that if I can make it, then you can to. Everything is in your hands. You don't want something to kill you, but make you a better person of yourself. You don't need something to harm you just to make you live through it. Have someone to talk to whom really deeply cares about you, share your story to them. Don't keep it inside. Don't stay quiet. And don't be selfish saying, "I can't." You can stop it!! After everything I've been through, I've shared my story to some people I love and care about, and who feel the same about me too. I've found a way to stop it entirely. Share your story, let it out (don't be afraid), and throw that stupid sharp knife away. It may be hard, but it gets easier. And say to yourself, "I can do it. I can make it. I believe in myself. Everything is in my own hands.".
And please, if you know anyone who self-harms, please help them every way to stop them from cutting. One day, they will vanish/be out of your life where they won't exist anymore, and you'll regret you ever never helped them. There are helpful ways to help with your addiction: writing your emotions/thoughts out in a journal/diary, sharing it to someone, writing poetry, listening to music (such a help, and wonderful remedy), etc. Also, anyone can get help by reading and sharing your story here: http://twloha.com/. :). Make your life a better living then getting stuck with a an addictive disease that can entirely destroy you. Life is not the way of a blade.</3.
You are a beautiful person. You are wonderful. You are special. You can change the world. I Love You. <3.